27 September 2012

When The Bottom Falls Out

So, when the oilfield ends...?

I got to thinking what I'd do with myself when the bottom falls out of the oilfield (or, Obama is re-elected, hastening the "end of oil") and realized that there are probably others in this business who often wonder the same thing.  To help everyone out, I've come up with list of good career matches based on the skills different groups have to exhibit to "excel" in the oilfield.

The following list is by no means exhaustive.

Company Men --> President of the United States

Based upon the facts that most company men already do the following:
  • Speak louder than everyone else, like they're important--not quietly like the telephone operators they really are...and, they say "uhhh" a lot...kinda like a certain sitting President,
  • Don't know what the fuck they're actually talking about and continuously have to ask a staff of faceless functionaries what to do...kinda like a certain sitting President,
  • Believe ALL of the bullshit that comes out of their own mouths...like a certain sitting President, and...
  • Are ridiculously overpaid, considering they add no value to the process...kinda like, you know.
These guys NEED to pursue the highest office in the land...its either that, or ride off into the sunset on their Harley with their fourth wife a suitcase of Viagra.

Mud Engineers --> Meth Manufacturers

Let's face it, us mud engineers mix for a living.  We really don't know what the shit we're mixing together, or how it works, but they keep writing checks for it.  Making bathtub meth shouldn't be that big of a leap.

Directional Drillers/Tool Hands --> Porn Stars

Since every directional driller and tool hand in the history of the oilfield has claimed to have the biggest dick in [insert geographic region here], they're ideally suited for a career in porn.  They'd have to take a pay cut, sell the Harley and have the third wife leave them (with their suitcase of Viagra), but shit, a man's gotta eat.

Loggers --> Dude...huhh?

Seriously...they'd never even know...and, as long as someone on the beach was willing to share some weed, they'd probably never even care.

Cooks/BR Hands --> Inmates

This is just a return to normalcy for these guys.  And not that I haven't met some fantastic BR hands and cooks...it's just that, you know, if they aren't locked down offshore...they're probably going to be locked up somewhere else.

Crane Drivers --> US Postal Service Letter Carriers

For putting your life in someone's hands regularly (if you've never ridden a personnel basket--trust me--you've NEVER felt so powerless in your whole life), you'd think crane operators would be chosen based upon their mental stability as much as their hand/eye/foot coordination.  Not true...every crane driver in the history of the oilfield is a certified nut job.  They're usually really good at what they do...but batshit crazy.  Putting on the USPS uniform should be an easy transition.

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